Aug 08: A Funeral Consultant's Reflection on Grief and Loss



Grief is our emotional response to a loss. Whatever that loss may be - moving home, loss of a job, moving country, a child leaving home, retirement or loss through death. Death is the most significant loss that we all must face, as part of life. To grieve in a healthy and constructive way is necessary for ongoing life. If death is faced openly and honestly, it can contribute to a healthy, holistic society, rather than being the taboo subject, as it has so often been in the past.

For each person and family, a loss is felt differently, depending on the type of loss and their relationship with the person. A person’s grief journey will depend on their relationship with the one who dies; the circumstances surrounding the death; their own life experiences of managing loss; the amount of support they have in their community; and their ability to verbalise their feelings. There are many factors that affect the way a person grieves. ‘Normal’ grief occurs when people are deeply saddened by the death of a loved one throughout a period of weeks, months and sometimes years. This grief experience or journey is often typified by an intense yearning for their loved one, hearing their voice and/or seeing images and a range of varying emotions. For some, the ability to move through this intensive grieving time and adjust to a normal way of living does not occur. If a person has experienced a traumatic death or a person has difficulty in carrying out daily functioning, such as eating and sleeping; counselling may be needed to help a person adjust through this time. People adjust in their own time and in their own way to a new way of living in the absence of their loved one.

People are emotionally vulnerable following a death. The following are some ways of managing grief to encourage those who are grieving and to support people during this time. There are many resources available today at local libraries, community services and the Internet.

Managing grief:

•    Be gentle with yourself
•    Memories are ours to keep
•    Make resolutions
•    Prepare for special days and holidays
•    Keep a journal
•    Take each day at a time
•    A need to feel safe
•    Express emotions/tears
•    Be a support and presence
•    Avoid clichés
•    Humor is a healer (used appropriately)
•    Create a ritual – such as a candle lighting ceremony.

Following is a personal reflection from John 11:1-44, which I feel is a wonderful picture of the grief journey. This is the story of Mary, Martha and Jesus and the death of Lazarus. Jesus is told that His friend Lazarus is ill. Mary and Martha were anxious and sent a message to Jesus to come to them. They were afraid for their brother and feared for his impending death.

Jesus did not heed Mary and Martha’s call but stayed two more days in the place where He was. He delayed going to His friends in their time of need. We can sometimes feel abandoned and alone at the time of the death of a loved one, even as Jesus felt abandoned on the cross.

Jesus’ response to His disciples was a bit of a mystery. He spoke in a metaphor, saying that Lazarus would not die, but only sleep and that glory would be seen through this experience. The disciples did not understand that Jesus was saying that Lazarus had actually died. This can be a grief experience – a feeling of being in a fog, feeling numb and not able to understand. This is part of the mystery of death and the metaphor through which Jesus speaks.

In time, Jesus decided to go to Lazarus. The disciples cautioned Him regarding the journey, as they had recently been threatened on this road. Sometimes the grief journey is rough and difficult and can lead over some very rocky and dangerous ground. We need to traverse this ground and negotiate through this journey to find the smooth path again before we can return to a changed normality.

Martha went to meet Jesus when she heard He was coming. She took some action and expressed her faith and belief that even now Jesus could do something. Along the journey, even when we may feel vulnerable and insecure, we can take a step of courage and reach out, ask for help, to receive support, new strength and energy for the journey.

Jesus walked beside Martha and spoke to her again in a metaphor of the resurrection, of life with hope. A mystery indeed – here was her brother dead and Jesus is talking of resurrection, but Jesus asks her to believe. Grief is often a time of confusion and distraction, but if we can hold onto our belief and know where our faith is anchored, we will know the resurrection of new life and new hope.

Mary was angry and said to Jesus “if you had been here my brother would not have died.” How often are we angry at the Doctors, family, ministers, the Funeral director or others, following death or other losses? Yes, we need to express our feelings, but in a safe environment. Finding an understanding friend who you can trust and who will listen without being judgemental is important as one grieves. Mary knew she could trust Jesus to understand her anger.

Mary’s anger and pain were expressed in tears. Jesus’ pain was expressed through tears as he wept with Mary, and for His own loss of his friend. Sometimes, to weep with another is just as helpful in sharing another’s pain, by your presence with them, by just visiting and quietly BEING WITH them. Isolation is very keenly felt during bereavement.

As Jesus approaches the place where Lazarus is buried, there is cynicism, doubt and murmurings amongst the people. We can be distracted when we feel insecure and unsure of our direction, when we are grieving and feel lost. Cynicism and doubt can be very real responses to our loss. Jesus prays to His Father and faces the reality of Lazarus’s death and asks God for His truth to be revealed. Jesus has promised a resurrection of the dead, the light and life in Him as he demonstrates this, through the resurrection of Lazarus.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was a Swiss Doctor who first documented the pattern and feelings of grief through various stages. Unfortunately people interpreted these stages as having to be ‘worked through’ in a particular linear order. This is not so – as demonstrated in the story of Mary and Martha, grief is expressed in many ways, with many feelings, and with many facets throughout the journey.

No matter how we face our grief we must first face the loss. As we acknowledge a loved one’s death, it is important to consider their funeral. This is a pivotal place where a person’s life and death are acknowledged, good byes are said and the place of faith and belief are affirmed. Because we love, we will also grieve. It is important to sit with our pain, because where there is love there is pain – one observes the other. Death cannot be separated from life; death is part of life, just as the grief journey is a response to this loss.

Every person’s story is a human story; we are all part of the story of God’s creation. Jesus said He came to give life and give it abundantly. We need to claim the ‘Yes’ of life, but share in the pain and sorrow of death, claiming God’s presence in the unanswered questions. As we walk the grief journey we need to accompany one another, as we hold in balance the pain of brokenness and separation, along with the hope and life of resurrection. If we are able to travel this life together, accompanying one another, with God’s presence within us, we can share the pain of loss, as well as the joy and hope of resurrection.

Dorothy Hodge completed a Bachelor of Theology at Whitley College majoring in Pastoral Care and is a Funeral Consultant with Bethel Funerals. She can be emailed on: dot@bethelfunerals.com.au

See Bethel Funeral’s ads in the August Witness (on pages 20 and 30).



Also in this Section: