Aug 08: Mourning Fellow Christians



When reading the ‘Next edition’ blurb in last month’s Witness, my mind was turned to considering the topic of ‘Coping with Grief’. One of the questions that were posed was, ‘Is it ‘wrong’ of us to mourn our departed family and friends if they’re Christians?” Immediately a ‘NO’ came screaming its way into my mind and then a, ‘Why would it be?’

Of course the knowledge that they are in an unimaginably better and happier place now, gives a comfort that is wonderful. They have moved into the heavenly realms and are in the presence of their Father God, unhindered and transformed, completely filled with His love and joy, and that is fantastic, for them.

But we are left without them and that is cause to mourn, deeply, and in whatever way we wish. They are no longer here and never will be again and that is reason enough to ache and to enter into a sorrow that is profound and unique.

I have not had to grieve the loss of someone very close to me yet, (like a spouse or a parent) and I am certainly not looking forward to it. I will, though, give myself permission to feel and to express myself in whatever way I need to and for as long as I like.

That might take the form of very demonstrative crying and depression. Or I might be quiet, withdrawn and unresponsive. Or I might need to get away and act on an urge to flee to somewhere else to try and hide as I grieve.

There is definitely no wrong or right way to grieve. There is no time frame and no formula. There should be no expectations to ‘move on’.

I remember hearing Terry Irwin interviewed about how she was coping with Steve’s death. She said something that made me leap inside. She explained how she had left everything of her husband’s belongings in its usual place, including his toothbrush. She needed to have his stuff around for memories and to help her. I thought ’good on her’ for not bowing down to the strong pressure that society puts on people to clear out the belongings of deceased people so that they can ‘move on’. ‘Move on’, what on earth does that mean? Why do we need to ‘move on’? Where do we need to move to? What’s wrong with staying where we are, surrounded by ‘the love of our life’s’ things that to some extent represent them and remind us of them? If that is what gives us comfort, then great, leave them there. Even if it’s for the next ‘umpteen’ years! Who cares?

Having been married for twenty-two years, I can imagine that if I was placed in that position of losing my husband, I would probably want to keep his stuff around forever. I think I would want to love him and only him, in my mind and in my heart, enjoying his memories until I die. God would probably have other plans for me but He might not. That might be perfectly all right as far as He’s concerned.

So let’s be very careful next time we are around someone who is grieving and allow them to be themselves and to express their grief in whatever way, for as long as they do. Let’s be giant ears in case they need to talk, and don’t readily give advice, only if asked, and even then, encourage them to relax into whatever comes naturally for them. Cry with them and hold them, I’m sure that most people would value a hug more than anything.

And if you are grieving now or will be grieving in the future, mourn their loss with abandonment and unreservedness, knowing that Father God also knows what grief feels like and that He wants to envelope you into His tender heart.


Andrea North attends Crossway Baptist Church.



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