Remembering Through Symbols and Rituals

by Dorothy Hodge

Balloons, candles, water, a garden, music or paintings and many other things, are all symbols or places of ritual, where we can reflect and remember.

As a Funeral Consultant and Celebrant, I have the privilege of hearing many people’s unique stories at their services. I also often hear and have said to families “remember to treasure the memory of your loved one.” How and why do we want or need to do this? We remember their memories in our hearts, but it may be helpful to also remember through symbols and rituals. We want to treasure the memories of our loved ones so that their legacy can continue throughout future generations. Families are recognised through their own rituals and traditions that bind them together. Thus our relationships grow as these memories and traditions continue through the generations.  Where there is dysfunction and pain in relationships, this may not always be the case and healing may be necessary, sometimes through ritual. Memories are connections to the past and stepping-stones to the future, they link the generations. The word ‘memorial’ derives from the Latin ‘memor’ which means ‘mindful’, we are mindful of those we have loved and their memories remain with us in so many ways.

Through our ritual and symbolism of communion, we remember Jesus, His relationship with us and His sacrifice on the cross. “This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in memory of me,” Jesus said and in the same way, He gave them the cup after supper saying, “This cup is God’s new covenant sealed with my blood, which is poured out for you” (Luke 22:19-20 Good News Bible). These are familiar words to most of us and a regular ritual of our worship in which we partake. This is possibly the most poignant time of our worship services, when we share communion and we remember Jesus, His death, His sacrifice on the cross and resurrection. Alongside Jesus were criminals who mocked Him with the crowd, but one of them confessing to Jesus said “Remember me, Jesus.” Jesus said to him, “I tell you this: today you will be in Paradise with me” (Luke 23:42-43 GNB). This was an urgent request by the criminal that had far reaching consequences of meaning and a wonderful promise by Jesus that He would remember him and be with Him in Paradise! Jesus established a ritual for all of us, using the symbols of His body and blood, enabling us to remember Him. In our Baptist tradition and heritage, symbolism and ritual have not normally been a strong part of our worship or included in our daily lives. So then, how do we remember our loved ones through symbols and rituals?

My parents – Rev Clive and Edna Smith are remembered fondly by many people for their love, care and pastoral gifts that they shared with many through the churches where they ministered. Many remember their written notes, when they remembered special occasions for those in their congregation and their friends. Dad was a listening pastor, a man who preached ‘fire and brimstone,’ but was gentle and caring; he had a wonderful way of ‘being present’ and ‘being there’ for others. Mum was President of the Eastern Suburbs Baptist Netball Association. She would never waste a moment – many would remember her stringing and shredding the beans and shelling the peas while watching us play. Mum always had some vegetable soup, ready for any who might drop by, to be nourished and cared for in her hospitable way – there was always room for an extra guest at our table.  And her marmalade jam – the best in the world, was enjoyed by many! As their daughter, I remember them in other ways. Eastern Beach was a favourite spot of ours when we were at Geelong, then at Mooroolbark Church we often went for drives to the Maroondah Dam and enjoyed picnics there, running up and down the hills or at Puffing Billy, enjoying time with our extended family. When they were at the Orange Church in NSW, I remember Mum making bottles and bottles of apple juice from the many apples people gave them. I used to wonder why Mum seemed overwhelmed with so much to do, but I remember her saying “never refuse a gift, you will refuse the giver.” Mum would then give the apple juice to those in need. My Mum was very hospitable in many ways. A symbol that reminds me of my dad is Polly Waffles! When I was studying he would often bring me home a Polly Waffle to help keep the brain cells working!  Another symbol of my dad is the three Daphne bushes that grow in my driveway. Dad always said, you can’t grow Daphne from a cutting.  These three bushes grew from a cutting from my parent’s last home and thus remind me of my dad every time I walk down the driveway. Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly on Cup Eve, when we had pink geraniums out in bloom. Every year our pink geranium cuttings once again remind me of my dear dad. Strange how my dad is remembered with flowers! Recently my husband and I were in Sydney. It has just been two years since my mother died. Having rarely been to Sydney, I felt a strong desire to go to Coogee Beach, remembering that Mum often talked of enjoying Coogee Beach as a child. As we walked along the beach, I felt a sense of connection with her and her childhood. We then drove to the site of the original Randwick Baptist Church that was my father’s first church. I was able to honour him and remember his ministry from this place. These are some of my family memories, rituals and symbols that remind me of my parents and through which I am able to honour their memory and find meaning in my life.

I would also like to share some experiences that hold special memories for me, encapsulating both symbols and ritual, both at the time of the Funeral and that families have shared with me along their journey.

I was caring for a lady who lived in Doncaster, but I organised for her mother’s burial service at Fawkner Memorial Park to be buried with her father in the family grave. The family requested some purple and mauve balloons to be released after her burial service at the graveside. Three days later the lady was feeling a bit ‘flat.’ She drove into her driveway and entering her carport, where to her surprise; a slightly deflated purple balloon was lodged in the carport. Whether it was one we had released, all the way from Fawkner Cemetery, we will never know; however, this balloon represented her mother’s presence and spirit with her. As it was also three days after her mother’s burial, it represented to this lady, resurrection, knowing that her mother was safe with her Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Another family came to have a viewing at our Funeral Chapel. The son felt she had a smile on her face, which was a relief to him as she had experienced a rather traumatic death. He said it was like he could now turn another page of the book. For him, the symbolism of a book and turning a page, was helpful and healing for him. At the cemetery, as we were about to bury her body, there was a bird circling in the air. There were other birds flying around, but this bird just circled above where we were. The son pointed this out to his father – it was like the bird was taking care of her spirit, protecting her as it hovered there, her spirit was ‘lifted up’ like the ‘wings of an eagle,’ he said. His father and aunt did not speak much English, so the symbolism of the book and eagle had been very important communications for them.

I served on the Eastern Suburbs Baptist Netball Committee for eighteen years. One of our committee members died very young. We created a collage poster of her many experiences with the Association that we gave to her young children to keep in her memory. This was a tangible memory of one aspect of her life.

A mother, whose baby was stillborn, showed me a teddy the hospital had given her to take home. As she cuddled the teddy, she found comfort in having something to hold, as she remembered her little boy. We have blankets donated to Bethel Funerals that we give to our families whose babies have died. These blankets have the baby’s name embroidered on them.  Another mother told me she found it such a comfort to hold and hug this blanket on the day her baby would have been born. Both the teddy and blanket are symbols of comfort and a reminding presence that these little ones are part of their family.

Where a person’s ashes are interred or at the gravesite, there is often a memorial plaque where families are able to remember their loved one, in a short inscription that usually encapsulates their life. Often, in this technological age, there is a DVD presentation of a person’s life at their funeral, which is a keepsake for the family and can be viewed by future generations. Where I regularly walk our dog, I pass a seat that has a plaque on it inscribed, “In Loving Memory of Sandy O’Neil, who played here as a child”. This is a special way of remembering Sandy, whom I have never known. It recognizes her life and is a place of remembrance for her family, those who walk by, or a seat of rest and remembrance, if one so desires. Others may find peace and a place of remembrance in a garden, music or candles.

We remember our Anzac soldiers each Anzac Day, whether by attending the march, gathering in the city, a poppy or other individual commemorations. I recently went for a walk in the local gardens where a memorial has been erected for those on the Kakoda Trail. The plaque says, “Remember the men and women who endured for us counting not their lives dear unto themselves. These keep the faith clear eyed and unafraid.” A family shared with me that they may scatter their parent’s ashes here as their father fought on the Kakoda Trail and their mother worked in these gardens, hence they can go there and remember them both, thus these gardens become a significant place of remembrance for them. Each family has their own traditions and rituals for remembering Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Birthdays, or Anniversaries and other days, that give meaning for them.

As unique and individual as each life is, so is each symbol we have and each memory and ritual that we may create, to remember our loved ones. The meaning of people, events, circumstances and accomplishments is preserved and validated by our memories. We need to remember and celebrate, to find meaning, joy and hope in our lives.

When those we love die – memories remain in so many ways.

Dorothy Hodge completed a Bachelor of Theology at Whitley College majoring in Pastoral Care. She has completed a Diploma in Funeral Celebrancy and is a Funeral Consultant and Pastoral Care Coordinator with Bethel Funerals. She attends Syndal Baptist Church. Email: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it